At 39.5 weeks pregnant, I’ve heard almost everything you can say to a pregnant woman.  In no particular order, I present you with the following list of things you should never say to a woman this pregnant.

1.  “You look miserable!” – Thanks.  I actually feel great.  Fantastic, even.  Miserable was weeks 30-34.  But right now?  I’m feeling awesome.  Telling me that I look miserable when I feel anything but is pretty crushing.  If I wanted to look miserable, I wouldn’t spend time doing my hair and make-up and making sure I had on clean clothes in the morning.  Instead, I’d sleep until 7:15 and roll out of bed just in time to make it to work.

2.  “I guess that baby wants to stay in for a few more days.” – Really?  You have a direct line to my child?  I’ve been hearing this one since about 37 weeks, way before I would have actually wanted my child to be born.  Double no-no if you repeat it to the pregnant woman every day.  If you have to comment about the baby staying put, at least only make it a day.  It just seems cruel to make it plural.

3.  “You should hold out and have the baby on (pick any random date).  It’s my best friend’s dog’s birthday.” – Gee.  Thanks for the input.  I will definitely do my best to go into labor and deliver my child on a day that is important to you.  This is particularly fun when the person’s birthday is three months after my due date.  If I was going to purposely go into labor on an important day, I might have picked my birthday or our anniversary or my grandfather’s birthday or the day we got engaged.

4.  “Did you get pregnant on purpose?” – Now, most people know this isn’t an appropriate conversation, but middle schoolers have no idea.  At all.  This has led to several conversations about the implications of this question.

5.  “Boy, are you swollen!” – That’s the equivalent of calling a pregnant woman fat.  Sure, my feet and ankles are so swollen that my socks don’t fit anymore and it takes effort to put on shoes.  I don’t really need you reminding me.  Trust me, I know.

Did I miss any?