It’s almost time.  Five days before my due date.  We are almost a family of four.  And I am, well, not sure how I feel.

We plan to cap our family at four, so I am trying to enjoy the last days of being pregnant, hoping to remember this for the rest of my life.  It’s only been four years, but I don’t really remember what it was like to be pregnant with Robbie.  I worry I haven’t enjoyed being pregnant as much as I could have,  but I’m grateful that the last month has been wonderful.  Sure, there’s been swelling and heartburn I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  And, no, I don’t sleep through the night, and my hips and shoulders are sore from sleeping on my side.  But, I’ve had energy and gotten things done.  I’ve done things people told me I’d feel too terrible to do – the Christmas shopping is done, the house is decorated, the sugar cookies are in the freezer waiting to be decorated, and the Christmas cards have been shipped.

I’m also a little terrified.  We have a pretty good thing going with Robbie; it’s been the three of us for the past four-and-a-half years.  He’s a “real” person – we have conversations and go on adventures – and having Alex will make that different.  This is probably part of the reason I haven’t done much writing in the past three months.  I’m trying to hold on to everything, to slow down time when it’s just the three of us.  It doesn’t work like that, though.  Time has passed – and quickly – so I try to soak up our adventures, no matter how ridiculous they are.

Two weeks ago, the whole house was up at 4:45.  I got panicked that I might never have the chance to take Robbie for an early breakfast before school with just the two of us.  Keep in mind, this is something I have never done.  Ever.  But we had to do it – that morning.  We both got dressed and were ready to leave the house by 6:30.  We lingered over waffles and bacon, talking about his friends and school and plans for the weekend.  It was perfect – right down to Robbie excusing himself to go to the bathroom and singing so loudly while he was in there that all of Waffle House heard.

And every night at bedtime, I linger long after Robbie has fallen asleep.  Will this be the last night that he is my only child?  Will this be the last night that I can cuddle with him without knowing there is someone else who also needs attention?  Will this be the last night that I don’t miss bedtime because of a hungry baby?  Nights like tonight, I feel a little bit worse because I sent Justin up to read stories.  What if I missed my last bedtime with just Robbie?

And the other part of me?  So excited to meet Alex that I’m not sure I can wait another minute.  I want to see what he looks like and smell the baby smell.  I can’t wait to cuddle him in little sleepers and watch Robbie with his brother.  To know that we are just days from having our family complete, and just in time for Christmas, makes me feel a little silly for even being worried.

Now we just wait.   After all, it’s a little late to be worried about the impact Alex will have and what will happen when Robbie isn’t my only child.