Drifting

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I had a fabulous babysitter today.  Could have done anything I wanted.  Do you know where I went?  To the mall.  To sit and stare at holiday shoppers.  For an hour.  I couldn’t think of anything to do, and I didn’t have the energy to wander the mall.  I’d hoped to maybe find my Christmas spirit – or even just a little enthusiasm – but it remains at large.

I’m sure it’s a combination of things.  Justin’s been gone all weekend, so there’s no one else’s grief to monitor.  There’s time for me to begin to sift through my feelings.  To begin my own grieving process.  While we were in the initial stages, I was able to focus all of my attention on planning and helping Justin sort through is own emotions.  It was so much easier that way.  But now, I’m left to my own thoughts until Justin comes home tomorrow morning.

I think of last Christmas and how we decided to have our first Christmas morning at Augusta’s house.  We woke up and went over, still in our pajamas.  That was going to be our tradition.  And now it won’t be.  Maybe that’s what’s settling in.  How final and permanent it all is.  How there will never be another Christmas morning with Grandmama.

Then there’s the last time Robbie and I saw her, in July.  The plan was just for me to run in quickly to get some things Justin had left.  In and out.  It was my last day in Lexington, and I knew we’d see her in a few months.  But we stayed for almost two hours.  And thank God.  It was the last time Robbie would color for her.  It was the last time he would laugh for her.  It was the last time he would hug her and say, “Love you.”

You know Robbie can say her name now, right?  “Grandmama.”  He was never able to say it before .  It just came out “Mama”.  He learned to say it just before her funeral.  And how happy it would have made her to hear him manage to say it.  I was convinced it would never come out right.  But it did – just not in time for her to hear it.

But that’s what life is, isn’t it?  Constant change.  Timing that’s either perfect or too late.  Losing someone close to you, wishing you’d had more time.  Wishing you’d gotten to take that family trip to Disney World to really fully unite you after so long.  Praying for forgiveness for the times you were petty and didn’t go the extra step.  And the little bit of peace when you feel like you have it.   So I have work to do.  But I’ll get there.  And it’ll be even easier when Justin is here.

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